Sing a Song of Jumbucks

Happy Australia Day.

"Ode to Australians"
(stolen completely from australiablog.com)

WE ARE ONE

WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as it's beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Syd-a-nee is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras - but chain the pens to the desk.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

You are, I am, we are, Australian.

P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!!

No other country has this distinction!

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY - January 26, 2005.

Its like crack... but only more stylish

I think I am addicted to Tommy Hilfiger.

I actually don't own that much, just a few shirts I got from Ross Dress for Less and some smelly stuff, but I have recently become somewhat obsessed over them. ie.. I own an extremely ugly purple checkered Tommy long sleeve shirt. I refuse to wear it in the light of day because it is so damn ugly... yet I refuse to throw it away because it is Tommy. I have only worn it once, and that was to a birthday party for a friend... at a lesbian bar. I actually at the time found some white band pants and thought it 'toned down' the shirt. Yes it was somewhat delusional on my behalf (but in my defense the lesbian bar wasn't the best lit place) but I thought I'd have to wear it at least once.

Gah. Being back in Melbourne means I will get even less of a chance to buy 'em.

Happy Birthday to Me

Still suffering from the ill side-effects of a major over-exposure to family, but within a week I will be back in Melbourne and hopefully *cross fingers* I can finally get my life back again.

I was pretty bored though otherwise today, and I ended up doing to crosswords that appear in the TV Guide (this weeks and last weeks). You know the sort of question where the hardest question is something like "Played Sue Ellen Ewing on 'Dallas' _____ Grey". These crosswords though seem to be stuck in a quagmire of late eighties/early nineties shows based on the bulk of the questions being shows from this era. Ninja Turtles? Moonlighting? ALF? Fresh Prince of Bel Air?

Funny thing was one of the questions 32 Across was "TV Chef ___ Parmenter". I didn't know who it was, but luckily the first and the third letter was reveals from 17 Down and 22 Down, making it obvious enough the answer was "Ian". And I thought of my friend Ian. heh.

Meeting up with Jackie tomorrow, my oldest friend in the world, who I have known since I was four years old. So it should be pretty good.

Throw some water on me, I am melting...

I finally remembered the one thing worse then 38C/100F degree weather with horrid humidity... that when you have that weather, and you get a little itty bit of rain, but not enough to cool things off, but in turn, makes things stickier and more sweaty. Not to mention the smell. It is like one of Gods pracitical jokes.

Meet up with Michelle and Tina today, and Nick was supringly there as well, which was a fantastic suprise, poor Tina though when Michelle, Nick and myself started talking about Harry Potter and couldn't get off the subject (btw... my new favourite theory is that Petunia is a expelled Hogwarts student, wand broken, thus very bitter with the entire Magic World).

Of all things after the Harry Potter stuff we started talking about Brissie and which places have yuppified. I still cannot get over the shock that Inala of all places has suddenly moved up the 'place to want to live' ladder and yuppified. It is like South-Central LA or Cabbramatta getting trendies moving into it. Shocking. Alot of the traditionally scuzzie inner-suburbs (like Canon Hill, Paddington, Eight Mile Plains and Hawthorne I can understand as it goes with the inner-suburban renewal happening in Australia at the moment, but Inala... it is on the fringes of Brisbane and full of nothing but shady looking Housing Commission Homes).

It is almost as shocking as Pauline Hanson becoming a Ballroom Dancer!

Went to Dymocks to spend the gift vouchure I got for Christmas, I was shocked at how expensive that bookstore was. The one book I did like unfortunately did leave me with an ackward amount of change, still to much to get it cashed out, but not enough to purchase anything decent. I might get it latter on if I can find something else I like and I may just suppliment the different in price. But still, that store is not somewhere I'd shop regularly unless I was blowing huge chucks of change out of my arse on a regular basis.

So... We Won...

Fucking hell. I wish I was there instead of the white trash area of my birth.

http://www.sltrib.com/utahutes/ci_2508162

Utes prove they belong in BCS by bowling over Panthers

TEMPE, Ariz. -- In the end, nothing could stop the Utes.
Not a tumultuous coaching change and six weeks off, not the pressure of being the first team from outside the power conferences to break into the Bowl Championship Series, and especially not any of the dozen teams that gave them their best shot.
Pittsburgh was the last to try, at the 34th annual Fiesta Bowl on Saturday night, and the Panthers limped away the same as all the rest, losing 35-7 to the greatest Utah team ever to take the field at a Sun Devil Stadium so filled with red sweat shirts that it might as well have been in Salt Lake City.
"It doesn't get any better than this," receiver Paris Warren said.
The victory capped a historic 12-0 season and tied the school-record 16-game winning streak set 75 years ago. It also sent coach Urban Meyer out a winner -- he's leaving for Florida with a 22-2 record in two seasons with the Utes -- and ushered in the Kyle Whittingham era in a most appropriate way.
Though the Utes tore through their season setting scoring records and blowing away opponent after opponent with their diverse and devastating offense, it was Whittingham's defense -- seen as vulnerable by the Panthers -- that set the tone.
Led by middle linebacker Tommy Hackenbruck and nose guard Steve Fifita, it smothered the running game, sacked tough quarterback Tyler Palko nine times (a Fiesta Bowl record), and kept talented receiver Greg Lee from doing any serious damage.
"We proved our point," linebacker Corey Dodds said.
The Utah defense did the same thing in a shutout of Southern Miss at the Liberty Bowl last season, but the offense really needed it then.
This time, the Utes were perfectly capable with the ball.
In perhaps his last collegiate game, quarterback Alex Smith completed 29 of 37 passes for 328 yards and four touchdowns, and ran for a game-high 68 yards on 15 carries.
Warren set a Fiesta Bowl record with 15 receptions for 198 yards and two touchdowns and the Utes beat the Panthers with everything they had, from gashing runs and shovel passes up the middle to precise throws down the field and option runs all over the place. They even threw in a hook-and-lateral trick play, with Warren taking a lateral from fellow receiver Steve Savoy and streaking 18 yards for a touchdown late in the third quarter that provided the final margin.
"There were a few plays we were dumbfounded," Pittsburgh nose guard Vince Crochunis said. "We didn't know who had the ball."
The Panthers entered the game feeling disrespected by the Utes, and hearing critics charge that they were good enough to belong in the BCS. They also were saying goodbye to coach Walt Harris, who's leaving for Stanford just as Meyer is headed to Florida.
But while the Panthers insisted before the game that they were up to the challenge, they wound up looking like just another Arizona, Utah State or New Mexico.
In fact, they were only the second team the Utes shut out in the first half all season -- Utah State was the first, way back in September -- and they failed to score 10 points for the first time in 30 games.
With starting left tackle Rob Petitti ill with the flu and right guard John Simonitis knocked from the game in the third series with a back injury, the Panthers never could contain the Utah pass rush, and the one touchdown pass Lee caught did not come until the Utes led by four touchdowns.
"It was a tough game for us," Harris said, "because we did not match up physically as well as we needed to, to stay in it."
The only downside for the Utes was that they did not prove much to skeptics who still don't view them among college football's elite, despite their opportunity to finish in the top four in the final opinion polls. They were the most heavily favored team in the bowl season, and did just as they were supposed to, beating a team that many viewed as the weakest of the major conference champions.
But that hardly dampened the enthusiasm before, during or after the most anticipated game in school history.
The Utes led only 14-0 at halftime, a low score for them, owing to some penalty problems that extended Pittsburgh drives and stunted their own.
But after running back Quinton Ganther bounced off the pile and around the right end for a 4-yard touchdown late in the first quarter, reserve defensive end Martail Burnett blocked a 48-yard field-goal attempt by Pittsburgh's Josh Cummings that left the Panthers scoreless after a 15-play drive and allowed the Utes to drive for another touchdown.
Smith found Madsen with a 6-yard dart 10 plays later, and the Panthers never recovered.
"Going undefeated is hard to do," Meyer said. "There are a lot of great football teams out there. It's hard to say goodbye, but I'm saying goodbye 12-0. What a great effort by our guys. This is the best group I've ever been around."
mcl@sltrib.com