When you help other's you can't helping helping yourself

I think I will stop caring.

It isn't like anybody gives a fuck about me anyway.

Nobody even knows that I exist, and for all my soap operaish of a life, I have nobody even to share it with.

It seems fate has made it my destiny to become a hermit without any friends and to properly have 57 cats or some crap like that but not one human friend.

Fuck a ducky duck.

I don't really mean to be going all bleak and miserable on my life, I have had enough of that recently to last several lifetimes, but I just feel so lost and confused at the moment. What I wouldn't give for some compass of some kind. I make one decision one week and I am totally deflated from it the next week. This is not indicisivness, but simply the fact of I cannot do it alone.

I am just so frustrated.

I'm not wearing underwear today!

okay I am actually wearing very sensible underwear. but I am in such a happy mood, I am sort of getting a little high on the happiness.

Everything, anything, oh what the fuck, I have figured what to do with my life. That is a major breakthrough unto itself.

I finally realised that the lack of structure in my life is holding me back. I seem to be floating at the moment, and while I enjoy this to some degree for what it is worth, I need to actually establish some roots, and I have made myself a one year plan to achieve. Heck there is even a failsafe in the plan in case my goals cannot be achieved!

I will join the navy if my goals don't come through. The goals are pretty simple, finish those damn pesky 7 credits left in my degree, get a permanent job, with the regular benefits and securities, yadda yadda yadda. Now I like the line of work I am in the moment, but frankly, I hate the lack of long term security.

I have also decided to go back to Melbourne. It is the only place I can achieve this stuff. As much I have enjoyed me time in the US, I have to admit the only thing that it has done is delayed me actually setting the rest of my life, and instead allow myself to float through life.

Hehe. And the Navy, I am serious, it is something I have given thought to before, so it isn't like it would be the last option of desperation. And frankly I think it will give the the structure I long for. Of course I will aim to find the job I want in the field I want to work in, but it is a good second option.

I feel good about this. So I guess I will have to make sure I have the best next 3 months in Salt Lake and thus go out on a high.